Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
