Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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