In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
