Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
