Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
