My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
