So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
