He asked to "fluff my boner.."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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