I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
