I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
