You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The power of my boobs compel you
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
