My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
