the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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