Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
