I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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