Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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