i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
