i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
