he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
