then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
