I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
