why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
