I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
