I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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