I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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