Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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