Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
