I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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