he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
