there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
