it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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