At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
someone owes me an orgasm
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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