i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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