it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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