the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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