The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
