the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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