yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
