she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
