I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
