Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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