You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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