i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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