I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
