I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
