between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
