Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
