we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
