Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
