God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
